Why do I still think of him? Why do I even care? I ask myself these questions every time that I think of him. I don't like to think about him and I wish I could just erase every memory of him from my mind. I tell people that I am over him and that I have moved on, but the truth is, I haven't. I do care and I do love him, but I don't think that I can say that he feels the same way.

Just in case you are wondering, I am talking about my father (or sperm donor, whatever works for you). I have not talked to my father in over three years; however, I sent him a birthday card this year (spring of 2009), but other than that, no real contact. For those of you who do not know (as if anyone other than my friends reads this anyways, lol) I will go into a short history of my relationship with my father/sperm donor.

 

( Background info that you should read... )

 

So, now we are back to the second paragraph of this post. I guess that my “short” history of our relationship really wasn’t that short. I should probably add that he didn’t call or anything on Christmas (2008) and that he also ignored my birthday (2009) again. This is the main reason why I sent him a birthday card this year. He did not acknowledge my card though.

Now that you are all caught up, let’s get back to the main reason why I even started to post this. Lately, I have been thinking about my father, but I have no clue why. I thought that I was over it and that I had moved on, but clearly I was just lying to myself.

 I don’t know if I should contact him or not. Do I even want to try to have a relationship with him? I must since I still care about him. Or maybe I will always care for him just because he is my dad, a shitty one at that. If I do try to contact him, and he rejects me again, I don’t think that I can handle it. Perhaps I should just write him a letter asking him how he is and telling him what is going on in my life, like the past year and some odd months haven’t even happened? However, if I do that, I feel like I would be letting him off the hook for all the shit he has put me through. Does anyone know what I should do? All advice is welcome and thanks for reading about my crazy relationship with my father.

I really didn't want to go to work today and I really didn't feel like being made a fool out of by my boss. However, I went in regardless and I am glad that I did. Everything started out as usual. Clocking in, not knowing what Ed had planned for me to do today and feeling clueless while I waited for instructions.

We were getting the Reed's Room ready for a wedding and at one point we needed to get more of a certain type of chair. Ed sent us to the basement of the Kobaker Room to get more chairs, but there weren't enough. So, we went to Ed to tell him this and he had us follow him back to the Kobaker Room, but instead of leading us to the basement, he lead us to the stairs leading up to the second floor and told us that there should be more up there.

When we got to the second floor, we were amazed. The interior was still like it was when Reed's and Kobaker were still the Reed's Department Store. There were mirrors on the columns and dressing rooms along the walls. Even though we were supposed to be getting chairs, we decided to see what the 3rd floor looked like. When we reached the top of the stairs, we realized we must be in what used to be the children's section of the store. After being abandoned for nearly 20 years, I was surprised at how well intact everything was. There was a lot of dirt and debris, but I could just imagine what it used to be like and how it could be restored and used as apartments. The space was so expansive and there were so many stairs. There was a hallway that connected Kobaker to Reed's, and I really wanted to go over there, but we decided to go back and do our job.

I really want to go back and discover more about the store, hopefully Ed wouldn't mind me going up there on my day off. Oh, and like I mentioned above, Reed's and Kobaker used to be apart of the Reed's Department Store, which closed in 1990. The buildings are downtown with entrances on South Park St. and Main St. The buildings are now occupied by Cafe on Main and Ed Picken's Park Avenue Catering (owned by the same man). The first floor(s) are fully occupied, but the remaining floors are vacant, except for the small portion used as storage for the store. Apparently, there are tunnels that connect to other parts of the city, but I haven't been in them yet, although I have been in the basements and I have seen where the entrances for them most likely are. Also, the original lift is still in the elevator shaft in the basement of the Reed's building. I think it would be swell if it was renovated whenever (if ever) the building is re purposed.

Today I had to get up at 4am because I had to work at 5am at Cafe on Main in Downtown Mansfield. I didn't want to go in that early, but I hadn't worked at all this week and I wanted some hours. I was supposed to go in and help with the baking, Ed (the owner) said that he had lost his baker and that he wanted to teach me what to do. I was totally fine with that, like I said, I needed the hours. When I got there, I waited for Ed to instruct me on what to do, but he was busy dealing with this mornings orders. So, I stood around for five minutes when Ed informs me that his baker must have already come in and did all of the baking. He mumbled something and then went away. I then stood in the kitchen for ten minutes looking like a fool until he showed up again and then I asked if he needed me to do anything else. Alas, there was nothing else he needed me for, so he sent me home. So, I essentially woke up at 4 in the morning to drive downtown, stand around for 15 minutes, and then drive back home. I was not a happy camper. Luckily, I was able to fall asleep at like 8am and didn't get up until 11am. Overall, not a horrible day, but I really do hate getting up that early for no reason. Hopefully it won't happen tomorrow when I have to go in.

Oh, and I know it has been a long time since my last post, but I felt like sharing. Maybe I will make this a regular thing.

I know I haven't been on for awhile, but go to this site: http://emerald-falls.myminicity.com

Please and thank you.

After school today, well, 2 hours after school today, I went shopping with some friends. We were at the mall for maybe two hours when we decided to leave the mall and go somewhere else. That's when the 'horror' began. Some dumbass saw us going forward and tried to beat us (he was turning right in front of us) and didn't make it in time. So after some crazy shit, Megan and the dumb ass exchange info and we go to Old Navy. The End.

I know, great story. You just had to be there.

In other news, the Florida trip is a little less than a month away and I am kinda apprehensive about going. I want to go, but I think that Mr. Bouch is going to be an ass and ruin it. Also, my grades are ok, I have 2 B's, a C, and the rest are A's. The one B is in English because Shulty is stupid and lost one of my papers, the other is in band because Mr. B is a dick. The C, math, which I will prolly never raise, no matter how hard I try. So, there ok, and I am ok, and everything is, ok.

Now, on the home front, my parents are getting on my nerves. They make me want to just pack up my things and move out. Not to mention, my dad (the one in OK) hasn't talked to me since my uncle's funeral, so almost a year.I am wondering if we will ever have any kind of relationship. Prolly not. He even makes me wonder if I should invite him to my graduation next year. Maybe I should write him? IDK!!!

So, this entry is really long, well longer than any of my other ones. I guess that's all for now. Until next time, "good night and good luck."

Its been a while since I last posted an entry and I decided that I should stop being lazy and just post one. Everything has pretty much been the same. School sucks and so does work. I got my ACT scores today, I got a 21. I am a little disappointed, but a 21 is still good. So, that's all for now. I will try to be on live journal more. lol

Well, two days ago. Yes, you heard me right. I had a birthday two days ago and I am now 17. I can now see Rated R movies. Well, be sides that, this week was packed full of Skill's USA stuff and the Inaugural Ball. Things have been pretty busy lately and I have had to get up early everyday. I know, my life sucks. That's sarcasm, by the way. Thats pretty much it for now. Bye.

Than I did yesterday. This morning I got up and got ready to go to lunch with my Grandma. We went to Coney Island, which is our place, lol. We were there for like 2 hours talking and eating. I had a good time. She had to take me home at like 2 and I just played on the computer for awhile. Now I am counting down the minutes until I have to leave for work. :(

However, that is not what I am going to write about. The fact that I am terrible with titles is totally off topic. "Off Topic?" you ask? What topic? Well, that would have to be the fact that I have no clue why I hang out with the people that I do. It seems like we are never able to get along anymore, but yet, we have had pretty good times. Maybe it is just that I have been seeing them too much lately. Maybe I should spend some more time at home. Spend more time at home? Maybe not. Home is one of the last places that I want to be right now, unless I am the only one there. Maybe the problem with my friends is that there really is no problem. Perhaps it is just that I am feeling like I am doing the same monotonous thing everyday over and over again. Hopefully spring break will help me feel better, too bad it is around 3 months away from now.

I haven't posted in a while and someone was getting on me (not literally) about it, so, here is the entry. Not much to say except, school sucks, x-mas vaca was great but crappy at the same time, awesome presents (camera, portable dvd), and I hate school. Oh, and I turn 17 on the 24th!!!!!

Today I learned that sometimes, no matter how much you want them to, people can't/won't change. I just don't know why she keeps on doing this to herself. You would think, after losing all of your friends and getting a second chance, that she wouldn't do something to ruin it. I just wonder if she knows that people don't like being talked about and then lied to. I mean, if someone knows that you said/did something and they have several people with the exact same story, you wouldn't make things worst and lie again, would you? Oh well, her loss.

was awesome. I went to the Mansfield Symphony Orchestra/Choir Holiday Concert and got to hear my grandma sing. After wards we went to the Golden Coral where we stuffed our faces. However, good days never last long and sure enough when I got home I had to print some stuff off for a Social Studies project, only to learn that the printer isn't working. So, hopefully I can print it off at school or something.

My friend kind of forced me to create an account here, so I did. I then realized that I am a failure and spelled my username wrong. So, this is my first remade account. lol